To raising awareness! Because even Mama bears get caught off Gaurd!

I am caught off guard. Everything was happening so fast till I seen Adisyn and Alicia giggling in the garden. The sound takes me down and gives me a moment to catch my breath and stop. Reality hits in and it hits in hard. Suddenly a burst of pain enthrones my throat. My chest begins to tighten. The conversation with Adisyns Hematologist/Oncologist runs through quickly. I feel myself asking again are you sure? I am falling down so I repeat my thoughts as the Dr. Explained what's happening in Adisyns body. "I've been prepared for this. This is nothing new. I can do this. I can do this." The image of My sweet girl being prepped for her first surgery flashes. Then thoughts of the kids I know of that have what Ady has come into mind. Cancer. Bone marrow transplant. Even worse. I can't breath. Alicia is calling for Abraham and realize Ady has caught me staring in the window and comes flying to the window screaming at the top of her lungs "momma" "momma" arms wide open. With in minutes she's at my chest and finally my lungs fill with air. At first everything is fine. But the pain sets in much deeper. Suddenly a rush of heat fills in my lungs and nothing I can do stops it... But my eyes are now deep in fire too. Desperately calling for relief. Adisyn let's go so that I am staring directly at her face. She smiles and wrinkles her nose so that I laugh. Suddenly with out notice my body give in and my eyes are filled. I am so upset because I know for me this is not an option. I MUST stay strong for her. I try and remember that stupid mantra I was trying to play in my head that got me through the Dr. Apt and most the day. I am left empty. Nothing comes to mind. I feel my chest tighten more at the though of me losing it. I fight for a deep breath and manage to squeeze in just enough air to make the light headedness fade. Ady hops down and grabs my hand. Pulling me to her little car. Smiling saying "broom broom. Mamma." the sound of her voice melts me and I find a momentary relief. It sounds through my mind again. "you got this, you can do this, breath." So I breath and finally let a deep breath in. I don't know how long its been since I took a deep breath. Again I find myself in the conversation with Her dr. Severely low ANC. Elevated LDH. Platelets. White blood cell issues. Polymorphism. Liver function issues. Pancreas insufficiency. Shwachman-Diamond Syndrome. Severe Neutropenia... The ever more possibility of Cancer... Cancer? Some how hours pass, Abrahams tucked the girls into bed and Adisyn has found her way to my chest right above my heart and is sleeping soundly. It's been awhile for her. To sleep like this. With no waking up crying in pain. Then I am reminded. A conversation I had with a specialist. "Your daughter will also smile when she's experiencing a great deal of pain, pain that would probably cause you or I to drop to the floor. The thing that is important for you to realize. It's all she's known. It's her normal. Like a child born blind. They smile. They are happy kids. It's all they know. Could you or I do it now. No. If we had to, would we smile? No. We probably have a really hard time handling it." everything spins... The conversation ends in my mind because the thought of my baby in pain rips threw my veins and I am burning. The thought that she seems happy because it's all she's know sinks even further. Shes wrestling in her sleep. The time when her guard is down. She's starting to whimper. I stuff the ripping pain down as far as humanly possible and do the only thing I can think of to calm her down as she starts to nurse. (The thing thats kept her as well as shes been.) I don't hold back any more. I sing to her.